Dogbert

"Management Theories!"

There are several ideas put around which may seem amusing but have a grain of truth to them. I hope to include more of these as I find them. If you know of anything suitable you can always e-mail me at and if I like them, then I will add them to this page - with an author credit if desired. The following office "theories" are to my knowledge all anonymous. That does not mean that they have no validity.

Red DotThe Mushroom Theory of Management
Red DotThe KISS Theory of Management
Red DotTop-Down Planning?
Red DotA Matter of Interpretation or who is right - you or the boss!
Red DotMaking unfounded assumptions
Red DotHow to delay paying your bills
Red DotThe 4 P's of Bill payment.

Wise Owl

The Mushroom Theory of Management

Keep all employees in the dark and feed them sh*t!

Wise Owl

The KISS Theory of Management

It is always an idea to keep things simple - as expressed by the abbreviation KISS. I have heard a number of explanations for what KISS stands for. Take your pick ;-)

Red DotKeep It Simple and Sexy
Red DotKeep It Simple and Straight
Red DotKeep It Simple Sweetheart
Red DotKeep It Simple Stupid
Red DotKeep It Simple for the Suckers.
Red DotKeep It Sugar Sweet. (E-mail from the "Cab Lady" in Singapore)

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Wise Owl

Top-Down Planning?

  1. In the beginning was the plan and then came the assumptions and the assumptions were without form and the plan was without substance and the darkness was upon the face of the workers and they spoke amongst themselves saying "It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinketh".
  2. And the workers went to their supervisors and said "It is a pail of dung and none can stand the odour that rises from it".
  3. And the supervisors went unto the managers and said "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none can come near".
  4. And the managers went to their directors saying "It is a vessel of fertiliser and none can stand its strength".
  5. And the directors spoke among themselves saying to one another "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong".
  6. And the directors went unto the vice-presidents and said "It promotes growth and is very powerful".
  7. And the vice-presidents went to the President and said to him "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company".
  8. And the President looked on the plan and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy.

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Wise Owl

A matter of interpretation.

Red DotWhen I take a long time - I am slow.
Red DotWhen my boss takes a long time - he is thorough.
Red DotWhen I don't do it - I am lazy.
Red DotWhen my boss doesn't do it - he is too busy.
Red DotWhen I do something without being told - I am trying to be smart.
Red DotWhen my boss does the same - that is initiative.
Red DotWhen I please my boss - I am creeping.
Red DotWhen my boss pleases his boss - he is co-operating
Red DotWhen I do good - my boss never remembers.
Red DotWhen I do wrong - he never forgets.

Another version - this time from a more feminist perspective (?) was passed to me as an E-mail from the "Cab Lady" in Singapore. The original was by Katherine S. Beamer. It can, however, be made more general - just change some of the words: man could become "lazy employee" while a woman could become "the boss". It doesn't work totally - but I rather like the original anyway (despite being male!)

Blue DotA man is a person who, if a woman says, Never mind, I'll do it myself, lets her.
Blue DotA woman is a person who, if she says to a man, Never mind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her, gets mad.
Blue DotA man is a person who, if a woman says to him, Never mind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her and she get mad, says, Now what are you mad about?
Blue DotA woman is a person who, if she says to a man, Never mind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, Now what are mad about? says If you don't know I'm not going to tell you.

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Wise Owl

Making assumptions.

A standard phrase heard all the time is "I assume that...."
This often really means "I haven't a clue but I am guessing that...."
It's OK when you get it right, but not when you get it wrong. A golden rule before "assuming anything" is to think of the letters that make up the word assume. Whenever you make an assumption and getting it wrong - you will have made an Ass of u and me.

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Wise Owl

How to delay paying your bills.

Red DotWait until they send the bill the third time then write. (never phone, or use e-mail - writing is slower) and ask why you haven't received an invoice. Demand a written reply for your auditors.
Red DotAsk for an itemised account but don't explain what you mean by itemised. When you receive the invoice, write back saying that it was not what you had wanted at all.
Red DotSend a cheque with figures not matching words. When they call to complain, send a corrected cheque - but omit to sign it.
Red DotSend a copy of their invoice with a torn corner of cheque stapled to it. This will start a frantic hunt for your missing cheque. When you eventually hear from your supplier - delay further while you check with your bank. And all the time they'll be apologising to you!
Red DotTell them that your cheques require two signatures and the other signing officer is on prolonged sick leave/sabbatical/silver anniversary cruise for the next month.
Send a cheque for the wrong amount made out to a completely different (fictional) company. When they call, promise that you will sort it out - but will have to track down how the mistake occurred and contact the other company to get the cheque back.

(Courtesy of Dun & Bradstreet who point out that none of these will work if you use their services!)

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Wise Owl

The 4 P's of bill payment.

Good credit control is essential for business cash flow. Even though customers may try and delay paying their bills, there is a guaranteed way of collecting from all but the most awkward debtors. The 4 P's

  1. Personal Contact - deal directly with your debtor.
  2. Patience - be prepared to wait
  3. Persistance - but don't ever give up.
    lead to
  4. Payment of bills, quickly, without problems.

(Courtesy of Paul Hemsley, Sales Order Processing manager at Derwent Information)

Wise Owl

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